Anger Management

Sometimes when you are angry at someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

Medical Recommendation

The phone rings.

The lady of the house answers, "Yes?

Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimers disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

  

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Black Hole

Honey! I am Home

Series: Lucky Day 6

Series: Lucky Day 5

Series: Lucky Day 4

Series: Lucky Day 3

Series: Lucky Day 2

Series: Lucky Day 1

Series: Lucky Day

Series: Stupid ...

Bonus

Office Sleeping Techniques

Team Building Exercise

“Don’t Worry, The Tiger is on Bench”

Another Take on Managers :-)

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape. They’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.” See this idiot. We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral:  "No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you”.

Fun - If you know Telugu

R. Narayana Murthy's song in next movie and its name is "Vykunta Paali".
which is about s/w and in that movie he will be playing IT professional and who will loose his job because of recession.
 
 
Emunnadakko ooo emunnadakkaaa…
Potta perigipoi..juttu ralipoi…vunna paruvu poi..
ee industry lo nakinka
emunnadi akko.. emunnadi akko emunnadi akka..

B.tech chesi naaka (saami)
Hyderabad cherukunnaa(saami)
Experience adugutunteeeee aa aaaa aaaav
Experience adugunte, enta kaavali ante anta petti, job kottina, join ayyina banchaaaaaaan
 
 
(Emunnadi akko..)
 
Training lu ivvaka paye (saami)
Client interaction  annadu (saami)
Communication baledu ante a aaa aaaa
Communication baledu ante, kumili kumili edichina, hindu paper veyinchinaa banchaaaaaan
 
(Emunnadi akko..)
 
Project ichundu vaadu(saami)
Payslip kuda vachindi(saami)
Payslip chupinchiiii.  a   a a a  a  a aaaaaaaaaaaa
Payslip chupinchina, credit card teesukunna, avasaram lenivi anni konna appula palu ainaaa banchhaann…
 
(Emunnadi akko..)
 
Project aipoindiii(saami)
Kottadi vastadi annadu (saami)
Bench lo pettundu aaaaa   a aa    aaaaaaa
Bench lo pettinaaka subject marichipoina, o roju na  HR pilusundu poi kalisina banchaann….
 
(Emunnadi akko..)
 
Boom taggindi annadu (saami)
Cost cutting annadu  (saami)..
Benchlo vunna ani cheppiii aaaaaa a  a a a aaaaa
Bench lo vunna ani cheppi bayatiki tosundu kompa kulchundu banchaaannn…
 
 
(Emunnadi akko..)
 
 
By
R.NarayanaMurthy,
Dreaming to be Infy NarayanaMurthy

Patriotic Joke

A Pakistani, a Bangladeshi and a Sardarji are sitting at a Pub in Bavaria drinking beer.

 

The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says 'In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice.'

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says 'In Dhaka we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'

OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi. He says In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice'.

Certainly Not a Joke

An Olympic Shooter wins Gold medal (Only a game)


Govt gives him 3 Crore + Awards
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Another Shooter dies, fighting with terrorists (Saving our country and our lives)


Govt pays his family 5 Lakhs

Wonderful Messages

Recently I visited my Car Service center. While they were working on my car I was going through the workshop and was shocked to read this (last one).

QA

Banking

A typical day at the whiteHouse

Letter to god

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , INDIA , they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.

The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.

The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 as tax ... "

Nice try

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

'SEX FROGS' - Only $2 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packs the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! ' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions & reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY as specified:

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice perfume
3. Slip into a very sexy night dress
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . .. . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'

The Black Hole

See the guts

On a ship, the Project managers of three different companies belonging to 3 different nations were traveling with their Trainee guys. They started an argument on whose Trainee engineer had more guts.

The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take around swimming around the moving ship. The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by saying, "See the guts!" *

Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship. The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the
German PM said, "See the guts!" *

Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds. The Trainee promptly replied, "Why the hell should I ??? You do that" The PM proudly said, ** "See the guts!" **

Clarity in Instructions...

OFFICE MEMO:

May all members of staff please note that there will Only be one drink per person at this year's Annual Party.

And please bring your own cup !

Regards,
Management

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And what happened at the annual party !!! (Scroll down)
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The specifications were missing in the memo ( size of cup)

Moral of the story : Be very specific in your daily life including project work. Give proper specifications

Creative Invite

Balakrishna New film climax……….

Balayya,the batsman needs to score 10 runs of 1 ball……………

Bowler bowls it and balayya hits with tremendous power…………..the ball splits into "TWO"

1 half goes to SIX….The other half goes to FOUR………….

Balayya WINS match……………………………..

Cheers to Ballayya.........

Engineers Rock

After 12th in CET only one question was there as fill in the blanks,

Q: If a girl is fainted which part of her body will you touch ?

PU_S_

Those who wrote PULSE got admission to medical

rest are given admission in ENGINEERING..........


Engineers Rock !!!

Celebrate Reading ... Celebrate Life...

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after Another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he Immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to Bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would Know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his Bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, The engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine Was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer...... ................. $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......... ......... ...... $ 9,998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the Difference

If God wants to ...

Amazing Theorem .......

Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

Therefore,
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===

Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money
Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ====

Equation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend

Therefore,
Women - spend = Donkeys

In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====

To Conclude:

>From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend.

So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

So, we have?
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money

Therefore from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude,

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Things we should do while RDC slowness

http://www.multimedia.cz/pf2008/index_en.html

IT Life

A good story for all of us to follow in our careers and social life...........very true

Once upon a time a Washerman was bringing up two donkeys.

Let us say Donkey-A and Donkey-B.

Donkey-A felt it was very energetic and could do better than the other. It always tried to pull the washerman's attraction over it by taking more load and walking fast in front of him.

Innocent Donkey-B is normal, so it will walk normal, irrespective of the washerman's presence. After a period of time, Washerman started pressurising Donkey-B to be like Donkey-A. But Donkey-B unable to walk fast got continuous punishment from washerman. It was crying and told personally to Donkey-A "Dear friend, only we two are here, why to compete with each other.... we can carry equal load at normal speed ".

That made Donkey-A all the more energetic and next day it told to washerman that it can carry more load and even it can run fast also.

Obviously happier washerman looked at Donkey-B...., his BP raised and he started kicking Donkey-B. Next day with smile, Donkey-A carried more load and started running fast. But it was breathtaking for Donkey-B and it couldn't act that way.... But the washerman was frustrated, so he harassed Donkey-B terribly, and finally it fell down hopelessly.

Then Donkey-A felt itself as a supremo and happily started carrying more load with great speed. But now the Load of the Donkey-B is also being carried by Donkey-A., and still it has to run fast. For some period it did, finally due to fatigue it got tired and started feeling the pain. But washerman expected more from Donkey-A. It also tried best, but couldn't cope up with his owners demand. The Washerman got angry with Donkey-A also and started harassing to take more load... Donkey-A was crying for long time and then tried its best... But it couldn't meet the owner's satisfaction. Finally the day came when due to frustration the washerman killed Donkey-A and went for searching some other Donkeys.

It's an endless story...........

But the moral of the Story in Corporate and social life is...

"Think all colleagues are same and that everyone is capable.... Always Share the Load equally… Don't ever act smart in front of your Boss and never try for getting over-credit...

Don't feel happy when ur colleague is under pressure.. "

It doesn't matter if u r A or B, for the boss you will always be a DONKEY!!!

Uff these kids !!

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother."I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

"OH MAMA, IT'S PRESIDENT OBAMA!"

A hilarious blog on the American presidential campaign by Melvin Durai :

As the results trickled in, the tears trickled down. Millions of faces glistened with tears on election night. There were tears of joy, as many Americans celebrated Barack Obama's historic victory; tears of sorrow, as many Americans lamented John McCain's loss; tears of gratitude, as many Americans got down on their knees and thanked God that the presidential race was finally over.

"No more negative ads, no more debates, no more promises they can't keep!" screamed a 40-year-old Detroit man, running into the street in jubilation. "And no more red and blue maps on TV!"

For African-Americans, especially those who had lived through the Civil Rights Era, it was a once-in-ten-lifetimes occasion, one that seemed unimaginable just a couple of years ago. "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it," said an 80-year-old Chicago man, rubbing his eyes. "A black man in the White House! And he's not carrying a broom!"

So surreal was the moment that many Obama supporters attending a victory rally in Chicago turned to their friends and said, "Pinch me. I must be dreaming." There was so much pinching during the night that Chicago Police received reports of 38 missing wallets.

"It was a night of inspiration," said Chicago Mayor Richard Daley. "While Senator Obama and his many supporters were chanting, 'Yes, we can,' a few crooks were also saying, 'Yes, we can.'"

It wasn't just the crooks causing trouble. At least one woman slapped the man beside her, screaming, "I didn't tell you to pinch me THERE!"

But nothing could spoil the night for Obama supporters, nothing could detract from a terrific speech by the soon-to-be 44th President of America, who is slightly more eloquent than the 43rd.

Obama's speech was so magnificent that it even moved a group of Penn State students gathered at a bar in State College, Pennsylvania. "We were so inspired," said junior Mike Williams. "Every time Obama said, 'Yes, we can,' we took another sip."

McCain's concession speech was just as inspiring, full of grace and class, leaving many of his supporters saying "If only."

Supporter: "If only he had made more appearances on Saturday Night Live."

Second supporter: "If only he had picked Joe the Plumber as his running mate."

Third supporter: "If only he had dyed his skin black."

That Obama's skin color was seen by some as an advantage -- and not the formidable obstacle it was expected to be -- is a testament of how much America has changed. Indeed, when young white voters were shown a picture of Obama and asked if he was different from them in any way, 63 percent of them pointed at his ears. They were referring, of course, to the fact that Obama is considered a good listener. It's a quality that endeared him to many female voters. "Too bad he isn't single," one woman said. "I would have voted for him several more times."

Just a few decades ago, African-Americans had to sit at the back of the bus, had to order their food through the back door of the restaurant, had to kowtow to the white folk. Now they're sending one of their own to the whitest of houses.

No wonder a 92-year-old African-American woman in a Cleveland nursing home took her own pulse while watching the Obama victory rally on TV.

"Are you okay?" a nurse asked.

"I'm fine," the woman replied. "For a moment, I thought I had died and gone to heaven."

Balakrishna and his wonderful ideas

Our hero Balakrishna and his brother were captured by the baddies and they tied Balakrishna onto a chair...Those idiots didnt know that Balakrishna cannot be stopped by a simple chair...



ere is our hero's brother...The baddies tied him up too and fixed a time-bomb across his stomach...The bomb looks more like a pack of sausage rolls..hehee. .


Balakrishna sees some bullet shells lying on the floor...This means that the baddies had a gun...But they decided to use a time-bomb to give the 'finishing touch'....This is what i call 'Innovative Thinking'...





The shells triggered Balakrishna' s brain (if any) and suddenly he has an idea...He throws himself onto the floor and starts moving towards the bullet shells...




Now, lets hv a look at the time-bomb... The timer(presumably a pager covered in plastic) is ticking....See the weird buttons on the bomb??...The red button is the On-Off button!!...Now, this is the world's first time-bomb with such a convenient on-off button...This is what i call a 'User-friendly Time-bomb'.. .Very easy to handle...Can b used even by infants...




Coming back to our hero, he is struggling to reach the shells...Look at his _expression. ..Seems like he is desperate to use the toilet!!...


Finally, he manages to reach the shells...He picks up a shell with his mouth as if it is Kappalandi.. .The viewers have no idea what the hell he is up to...Read on...



He concentrates with the shell between his teeth....Look at the sweat on his face...Gives an impression of how hard he is concentrating. ..With all his strength, he spits the bullet shell towards the bomb...






Loo and behold!!..The shell flies like a bullet through the air...Credit goes to Balakrishna here...He has the ability to make a shell work like a bullet...He can be a good asset to the Indian army....The shell reaches the time-bomb and hits exactly the green button!!...The time-bomb gets switched off!!...Balakrishna saves himself and his brother!!....
I can't still stop laughing גabsolutely rocking!!!!!

Things You Might Not Have Known !!!!!! Interesting.............

1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

2.A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

3.Your stomach has to produce a new layer of muscles every two weeks or it will digest itself.

4.The dot over the letter "i" is called a title.

5.Most lipstick contains fish scales.

6.The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public Libraries.

7.Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

9.40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

10.The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

11.315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

12.Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

13.On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.!

14.Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

15.Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

16.Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedo-ing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

17.Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

18.Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

19.During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

20. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in First Class.

21.Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

22.The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

23. Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.

24.There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

25.There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

26.The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

27.There are 4 cars and 11 light posts on the back on the US 10 dollar bill.

28.Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

29.If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

30.Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

31. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

32.The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

33.By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

34.In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.

35. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

36.Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.

37.An old law in Bellingham , Washington , made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.

38. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

39.A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

40. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!

Top ten flirting tips of all times

Flirting is an art at which the best among us might sometimes flounder.

Here are ten surefire tips that you just can't go wrong with!

10. Flirting is an attitude:
A good flirt is self-confident and not afraid to take risks. Be enthusiastic and positive — it works!

9. Start a conversation:
The best opening line is saying hello. Talk about the surroundings, ask a question, ask for help or state an opinion.

8. Have fun:
Be playful, light-hearted and spontaneous

7. Use props:
Never leave home without a prop. Props are natural conversation starters. They encourage conversation and others will be compelled to start talking to you. Great props include dogs, kids, unusual jewelry, a fabulous scent, a sweatshirt with your favorite passion, interesting ties, hats or an interesting book or newspaper.

6. Be the host:
Change your behavior from guest to host. You are not a passive person waiting around for romance; instead, you're the welcome committee.

5. Make the first move:
Move closer to the person you want to meet. Say hello.

4. Listen:
You have two ears and one mouth because you should listen twice as much as you speak. Listening is a true art. Your flirting partner will be drawn to you. Everyone loves to be heard.

3. Eye contact:
Make eye contact, but please look your partner in the eye gently (no more than a few seconds) and then glance away. Don't stare — it's a turn off.

2. Compliment:
Compliment your flirting partner. The best compliments have the element of surprise. The "flirtee" will know that you really noticed them. Remember, your compliments must be honest, sincere and genuine. When you receive a compliment, the best response is a simple "Thank you!"

1. Smile:
It's contagious. Smiling makes you so much more approachable. A smile lights up your face and draws people to you.

Passport Check

Not a Joke: School Bus in India

The Arab Story

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring states.

Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewelry, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him "This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.

To this the Arab replied "Can't help it, Bapu..... Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!"

Just a forward

Klueless

http://www.iimi-iris.com/iris%2D2008/klueless/

Chandrayaan in Troubles?

Job Change

Mathematic Magic

Try it and you will be surprised to see the result.

259 X ( Ur age) X 39 =?

Diwali ki mithai

Why Indian Cricket is Improving?

We all should support Raj Thackeray

This is a wonderful mail circulating in favour of RAJ Thackerey have  a look

We all should support Raj Thackeray and take his initiative ahead by doing more...

1.        We should teach our kids that if he is second in class, don't study harder.. just beat up the student coming first and throw him out of the school

2.        Parliament should have only Delhiites as it is located in Delhi

3..        Prime-minister, president and all other leaders should only be from Delhi

4.        No Hindi movie should be made in Bombay. Only Marathi.

5.        At every state border, buses, trains, flights should be stopped and staff changed to local men

6.        All Maharashtrians working abroad or in other states should be sent back as they are SNATCHING employment from Locals

7.        Lord Shiv, Ganesha and Parvati should not be worshiped in our state as they belong to north (Himalayas)

8.        Visits to Taj Mahal should be restricted to people from UP only

9.        Relief for farmers in Maharashtra should not come from centre because that is the money collected as Tax from whole of India, so why should it be given to someone in

             Maharashtra?

10.        Let's support Kashmiri Militants because they are right in killing and injuring innocent people for the benefit of their state and community..

11.        Let's throw all MNCs out of Maharashtra, why should they earn from us? We will open our own Maharashtra Microsoft, MH Pepsi and MH Marutis of the world

12.        Let's stop using cellphones, emails, TV, foreign Movies and dramas. James Bond should speak Marathi

13.        We should be ready to die hungry or buy food at 10 times higher price but should not accept imports from other states

14.        We should not allow any industry to be setup in Maharashtra because all machinery comes from outside

15.        We should STOP using local trains... Trains are not manufactured by Marathi manoos and Railway Minister is a Bihari

16.        Ensure that all our children are born, grow, live and die without ever stepping out of Maharashtra, then they will become true Marathi's

JAI MAHARASHTRA!

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Add more friends to your messenger and enjoy! Invite them now.

AP - Elections

Wife 1.0

To Tech Support

Sub: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

Dear Software Engineer,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the UN-install Does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General protection Fault in module House Security. The UN-installation will abort." Can you help me, please!!!

Regards
Desperate User

-----------------------------------------------------
Reply from Tech. Support

Dear User,

Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to Run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5, which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Navjot Singh Sidhu's Amazing Comments collection

1. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an oncoming train which will run them over.
2. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

3. Kenya in South Africa was like a mountain having labor pains.
4. India looks like a crippled cobra whose fangs are clipped.
5. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
6. If ifs and buts were pots and pans, there would be no tinkers, my dear friend!
7. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
8. 'Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
9. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.

About Rahul Dravid.
10. He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
11. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!
12. The gap between bat and pad is so much that I would have driven a car through it!
13. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

14. The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.
15. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.
16. He is a dibbly dobbly bowler.

17. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
18. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
19. We are all Adam's children - it's just the skin that makes all the difference.
20. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala..one falls and everything else falls!
21. Its like the brooding hen sitting over a China egg.
22. Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.
23. He is as wet as pennies in mud.

24. Even a cock crows over his own Dunghill.
25. Andy Flower is steady as the Rock of Gibraltar.
26. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.
27. I have seen many Ladies displaying different styles and Different styles displaying Ladies.
28. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
29. When you are dining with a demon, you got to have a long spoon.
30. We'll take the cake with the red cherry on top.
31. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
32. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
33. He is a wily fox. But, if we make the fox run, the chicken will become hen.
34. It is not all over till the fat lady sings!
35. A fallen lighthouse is more dangerous than a reef.
36. You cannot ride a seat-less bicycle without getting blisters on your bums.
37. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
38. A revolutionary idea is usually one with its sleeves rolled up.
39. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
40. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
41. The cat with gloves catches no mice.

42. If the heavens throw you dates, you got to keep your mouth open.
43. The Indian team is like the Doberman pincher, without a Tail, when they must be like German shepherds.
44. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
45. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
46. When you have a hen laying eggs you should not mind the cackle.

47. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
48. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
49. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados.

“Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."
50. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands. "
51. Geoffery, one word can describe India's batting only one word “Absolutely Pathetic"
52. Beware of the naked man who offers you his shirt.

Confession

GIRL: Forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: What have you done my child

GIRL: I called a man a son of a bitch
PRIEST: Why did you call him a son of a bitch

GIRL: Caused he touched my hand
PRIEST: Like this, (as he touches her hand)

GIRL: Yes father.
PRIEST: That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch

GIRL: Then he touched my breast.
PRIEST: Like this, (as he touched her breast)

GIRL: Yes father
PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch

GIRL: Then he took off my clothes father like this, (as he takes off her clothes)

GIRL: Yes father
PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch

GIRL: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where
PRIEST: Like this, (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

GIRL: YES FATHER, OH.....YES FATHER, UMMMM...YES......YESFATHER
After a few minutes the priest said, that no reason to call him a son of a bitch

GIRL: But father he had AIDS
PRIEST: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

Engineers

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
**********************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
**********************************
to the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

************************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
************************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

***********************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
***********************************
what is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
**********************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

************************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
************************************
Normal people believe that if it isn’t broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that, if it isn’t broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Johnny

1. Red and shiny the teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the following question,” What is bright red and shiny?”

Little Johnny jumped up and shouted "A fire engine!!!!???" No! No!" said the teacher, “But I like the way you think”. Anyone else?

Little Susan replied that it was an apple and everyone was happy except Johnny of course. Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded OK. "What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at one end?" JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE."

Johnny replied, "No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the way you think"...

2. Confused Little johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny is having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls , and would his mother ,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this ?"

So johnny's mother takes him by the hand , upstairs to her bedroom , and closes the door. "First , Johnny , you take off my blouse...." so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.. "Ok , now take off my skirt...." ..and he takes off her skirt.. "Now take off my bra...."...which he does.. "and now , Johnny , please take off my panties.."

...and when Johnny finishes removing those , she says…………

"Johnny , PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school again!"

3. Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well , the answer is 4", said the teacher , "but I like the way you are thinking ."

Little Johnny retaliated. "I have a question for you now.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

4. Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday , I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -" The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word ! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

Father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" he croaks. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny , "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her..." "...and they did just what you did last week, Mommy, with Uncle Bob".

5. One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?

"Milk !" answered Little Johnny
"No , I'm sorry . That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water,"explained the teacher .

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

6. Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked How much is 2x3? I said 6. "But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?

"What's the fucking difference ?"
"That's exactly what I said ."

7. Five years old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love. "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

8. Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each other ."Dad, what're the dogs doing ?" asks Johnny . "Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated."

"Okay , I've understood ." "What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically .

"Never relax in your life , dad , or you'll get fucked like a dog

9. Johnny's parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house. Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please,
I'm so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed."

She agrees, they go to bed. In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy chested man in her bed. She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!"

"Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?"