Killerrrrrrrrrrrrr English

Principal to student...:" Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father
(Any other options???)
 

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Class teacher once said :

"Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
(Who??? paper or student???)

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Once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America..."
(hmmm...interesting)

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"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK..."
(Topsyturvy)

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Don't laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
(Grrr....this person needs Basic Communication Skills Class Room Training)

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It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said

"why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
(New Discovery)

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Teacher in a furious mood...

Write down your name and father of your name!!
(Excuse me...)

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"Shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"
(Gr8...is he a satellite or sumthing???)

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"I'll illustrate what I have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
(What an illustration...I like this professor)

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"Will you hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"
(Well, you can proceed, would U like to leave a note behind as well...)

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LIBRARIAN SCOLDED," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN, I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
(That will be better....)

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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
(No Comments...!!!)

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"Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!"
(Because we want to check similarities :-) )

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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code...

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
(In terms of 1's n 0's)

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Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class,
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"
(2 minz of silence) 

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The master told the students who were notorious.
"Hey, from tomorrow onwards you both come together separately"
(Make it possible and I will reward my life time savings...)

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Master to his students "Do you know? I have 2 daughters. Both are girls!!!"
(You need some counselling dude...)
 

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Hindi master to his students by pointing his scooter that is parked under a tree,
"See there.My scooter is understanding the tree!!!"
(Wow...)

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master rocks again,
"Okay guys, all of you stand in a straight circle!"
(Wow what an oxymoron...)

Doctor and patient

Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.

Doctor (to the patient): Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you take it?
Patient: Yes, sir. But I did not drink it.
Doctor: Why?
Patient : (Pointing to the bottle) : Because it is written on the label: Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.

Dentist (to the patient): For God's sake, stop making those noises and waving your arms. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient : Yes, I know. But u're standing on my foot.

Doctors son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success.
Doctor father: Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.

Doctor: Yes, what is it I can do for you?
Patient : Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body's blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn't anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?
Doctor: The fact's your legs are not that hollow as your head is.

Doctor: Mr. Kishan, you look exhausted.
Kishan: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.

Doctor: Liquor is a slow poison for you.
Patient: It's all-right. I'm not in a hurry.

Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?
Doctor: Fifty rupees.
Patient: Fifty ruppes, for only a few second's work?
Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.
Patient: How much is for the operation?
Doctor: Rupees on thousand.
Patient: But it was a serious one.
Doctor: Nonsense. You can't buy a serious operation for Rupees one Thousand now-a days.

Mohan : (to the doctor) : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
Mohan : How did you come to that conclusion?
Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.

The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?".
"Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor".

A patient: Doctor, I don't feel hungry after taking meal.
Doctor: Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit.
(After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).
Doctor: Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up.

Patient: Doctor, I can't sleep.
Doctor: Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off.

Patient: I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?

Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see your son.

Patient: Doctor, I feel there are two of me.
Doctor : Very well, I shall see you, one at a time.

Romi : (to the doctor): Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
Doctor: Tell her to come in.
Romi: I cannot
Doctor: Why so?
Romi: Because she does not stop at this floor.

A fat lady: (To a health expert). Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.

Doctor (to an absent-minded patient): What is wrong with you?
Patient: I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine.
Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while): Here, Take this.
Patient: Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right.

Doctor (to a patient) : you must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
Patient: Doctor, we've only 3 spoons at home.

Patient to doctor: On the top of your prescription these words are printed:
We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?
Doctor: Pay me. I will send it.

Patient: Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness.
Doctor: You can pay by cash, cheque or money order.

Patient: Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
Doctor: That is what I want to find out myself.

Doctor to patient: Why are you nervous?
Patient: Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation.
Doctor: But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation.

Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.
Doctor: Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.

Patient: I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night.
Doctor: Don't worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone.

Woman patient : Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die.
Doctor : You did the right thing to call me.

A patient to his friend: I am taking rest cure.
Friend: What do you do?
Patient : I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor.

Doctor to woman patient: Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him.
Patient: But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee.

Doctor: You have trouble with your throat? Have you ever gargled with salt water?
Patient: Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming.

Doctor to woman: What is the matter about your husband?
Woman: He is worrying about money.
Doctor: I think I can relieve him of that.

Patient to friend: I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory.
Friend: What did he do?
Patient: He made me pay him in advance.

Doctor: Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age.
Husband: Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?

Patient: Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?
Doctor: How old are you now?
Patient: 40
Doctor: Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?
Patient: No. I don't drink. I don't gamble. I don't smoke. I have no vice.
Doctor: Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?

Patient: Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine.
The doctor was very much pleased.
He asked : Did it really help you?
Patient: It helped me wonderfully.
Doctor: How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?
Patient: I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir.

Patient: Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don't mind. Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?
Doctor: You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc.
Doctor to Patient: Don't worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live.

A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.
The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves. Finally, he asked the patient : Have you had this trouble before?
He answered: Yes.
Doctor said: You have again got it.

A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor said: It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age.
Patient: The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?

Doctor: You have cataract in your eyes. But you need not worry It is hereditary.
Patient: Death is also hereditary. Does it mean we should not worry about it?

Children Are Quick

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America  .
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
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TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  

(I  Love this child)
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TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.  
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TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
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TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.  
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TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:          I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
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TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  
                     Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand....    
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TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
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TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your   brother's.. Did you  copy his?
CLYDE  :         No, sir. It's the same dog.  

 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher


LAUGHTER  IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE