Client's Expectations & Actual Delivery

Jumbo Bank, New York, USA

  Requirement gathering session – Day 12

  Client: “Our next requirement, this is something big, you know, we need an elephant…” Product Consultant:  Mr. Richard but why don’t you adjust with a buffalo, even it is big….   and black?”
C: No Ramasamy, we need only elephant, let me explain our current process……………..” (client explains for an hour) P: Fine Richard, i understand ur requirement. But ours supports only buffalo…

C: Samy..our central bank regulations needs only elephant! P: Ok.. Let me see if i can customize”
Requirement taken : Bank wants a big black four legged animal, long tail, less hair. Having trunk is mandatory.
  The same was documented, signed off and sent to offshore for development!  
 
  Offshore Development Centre, India, 11.30pm:Design/Development – Based on requirement all features are supported in base product (as buffalo) , for trunk alone a separate customization is done.

Finally the customization is shown to client.

client looks ....

And faints .... 

 

WW1

WW1 explained using a bar fight as a metaphorical learning vehicle… From a teacher in the UK.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany.

Austria punches Russia.

Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there.

Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting.

Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

Big Problem

There were two little boys, 8 and 10 years old, very mischievous and naughty. They were always get into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their city, their sons were probably involved.

They boy's mother heard that a clergyman in city had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning and 10-year-old in the afternoon to see the clergyman .

The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

SMS joke of the day

Postman knocked d door a kid came wid cigrete in mouth n Beer in hand.
Postman-Papa hai?
Kid- ABE gadhe, MUJHE DEKH K LAGTA HAI BAAP GHAR PE HOGA!!

A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum  chum?
Guy:  What do you think?  I'm in hell.
 

Demon:  Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy:  Sure,  I love to drink.  Love the drinks.

Demon:  Well you're gonna love Mondays then.  On  Mondays that's all we do is drink.  Whiskey,  tequila,  Guinness,  wine coolers,  diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy:  Gee that sounds great.

Demon:  You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!  Love the smoking.

Demon:  Alright!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy:  Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon:  I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:  Why  yes  as a matter of fact  I do.  Love the gambling.
Demon:  Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want.  Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...  If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon:   You into drugs?
Guy:  Are you kidding?  Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon:  That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack.  Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares!  O.D.!!
 

Guy:  Yowza!  I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You a murderer
Guy:  Uh  no.
Demon:  Ooooh  (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

Pathetic PJs

Q: Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
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 Think Think....
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 Its because....
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 .

 Monday is a Weak Day....
 _____________________________________
 Q: Which is the safest way to see a shark?
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 Ans: On Television....
 _____________________________________

 A FANTASTIC PJ:
 Q: What would Baby Corn say To Mom Corn?
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 Guess plz....
 .
 ..
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 He'll ask:
 "Where is Pop Corn?"

 _____________________________________
 Q: What is the full form of CNBC ???
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 It means....
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 Cartoon Network for Business Community !!

 _____________________________________

 Q: Do u know what is the meaning of PYAR?
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 Some friends sitting on the table in a BAR.....
 & saying.....
 "P - YAAR"

 _____________________________________

 Q1) What is it that RAM can do but RAVAN cant?
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 A: Wear a T-SHIRT.


 Q2) What is it that RAVAN can do but RAM cant?
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 A: Group discussion when he is alone.

 _____________________________________

 Q: Why did Ram Gopal Varma made 'Phoonk'?
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 ?
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 ANS:
 Uski Picchli 'AAG' ko bujhaane ke liye....

 _____________________________________
 Q: What do u call a 800 year old Hanuman Temple ???
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 Guess???
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 Give it a shot....
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 MARUTI 800!!!

 _____________________________________
Dharam Paaji subscribed to Hutch. But the hutch network did not
 follow him.
 Why?
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 Bcoz the Dog was afraid,
 'Kutte! Main tera khoon pee jaunga.'

 _____________________________________

 Q: Agar Bengali ka phone kat jaaye, to woh kya kahega?
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 Socho....
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 Kol-Kata.....

 _____________________________________

 Q: Dada Kondake opened a Bank in the memory of his Mother's
 Grandmother
 i.e.. Great Grandmother.
 What did he name the bank?
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 Think!
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 "I CHI I CHI I" Bank.

 _____________________________________
 Q: Ek Kaana Ladka kisi ladki ko propose kare to kaunsa song gaayega?
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 Ek NAZAR se bhi pyar hota hai, Maine suna hai....
_____________________________________

 Bear this PJ !!
 Q: What is the difference between Paneer Masala and Paneer 'Tikka'
 Masala??
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 Think!
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 Think!
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 Simple!
 The Latter is Vaccinated...!!

 _____________________________________
 Q: Why did the Tightrope Walker visit the ATM?
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 Think....
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Ans: To check his balance....
 _____________________________________

 UNBEATABLE PJ:

 Q: According to Gabbar, Sher Ka Bacha Kaun hai??
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 ANS:
 HOLI.
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 How?
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 Coz....
 He Keeps Saying...
 "Holi CUB hai,
 CUB hai Holi...."

Air Travellers Problems

Things, Indian Movies taught us

1. While defusing bomb, don't worry which wire to cut; you will always cut the right wire
2. Hero will show no pain when beaten, but will show pain when a heroine cleans the wound
3. If hero is a Policewala, he can solve any case only when he's suspended
4. If hero decides to dance on street, everyone he meets will know the steps

Never drink and Brag

A Pakistani, Bangladeshi and a Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.

 

The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says 'In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice.'

 

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by] this drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says 'In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the  glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either..'

 

The Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi. He says 'In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.'

I knew a ....

*I knew a**ツ**girl that was so stupid that........*
1. She called me to get my phone number.
2. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice boxツbecause it said 'concentrate.'
3. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order..
5. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6. She tried to drown a fish.
7. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
8. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ツ

11. She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
12. She studied for a blood test.
13. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
14. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
15. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twiceツinstead.
16. When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left'; she turned around and went home.

Andhra Pradesh's 7 Wonders

1. Ileeana Nadumu
2. Bhumika Lips
3. Trisha Smile
4. Genelia looks
5. Sneha Jada
6. Shreya Meda

and the seventh one is ..........

Balayya Thoda

SMS Jokes - 4 Adults

A faithful husband is one who Always Thinks of his wife while sleeping with other women. Rather than thinking of other women while sleeping with his wife!

Begum: Will you build a Taj Mahal for me if I die?

Husband: Darling, I have already purchased the land. The delay in on your part.

Doctor 2 Pregnant Girl: How did this happen?

Girl: When mom and Dad went to a movie, my boy friend came over.

Doc: Why didn't you go?

Girl: It was an adult film and I wasn't allowed to.

Telugu movies directed by software engineer

1. Intlo bava, office lo java
2. "C" veerudu C++ sundari
3. Nee password naku telusu
4. Program raddam ra
5. Intlo Virus, Vantintlo antivirus
6. C drive lo Illalu, D drive lo Priyuralu
7. Floppy days
8. Kotha software lokam